Have you ever felt like you will explode, blow up  from waiting? That's exactly how I feel right now. I lost all my hope to get news anytime soon before Novruz holiday (20-21st of March) and guess what they'll be closed from 20th to 23rd of March. How can they torture people like this? On the other hand I can't really blame them because they have no idea what situation I am in right now. I can't believe how fast time passed...it is almost 6 months that I am here living in this ... I lost the count of days... who cares? I guess its 17th working day...On Thursday when we got news we got too excited I knew it doesn't mean anything...
Sometimes I think to myself that I want to go and live there and look at human relations. I want to see friendships there. I sometimes think that there is nothing like a real friendship at all. It is so hard to find a sincere, real, honest person to call your friend. It feels truly lonely. Lately I've been thinking that when a friend lies once you can't really believe him again. Even if it happened only once you always think suspiciously of everything they say. I hope in my new life there will be less people who disappoint me and more descent, honest ones..I have great hopes of meeting them there!
I've been advised to watch Sherlock Holmes tv Series by BBC. I downloaded the first season which is only 3 episodes. I watched the first one yesterday at night and really loved it. It is about a modern Sherlock in 21st century London. I'll definitely watch them with Miika on our future cozy sofa :)
Also I found another great food blog. It has such great photos and writing and recipes  Actually cooking is a great stress relief. I tried cooking here but my relatives interfered  so much that I decided to stop.
I'm crying again at this hopeless, helpless situation. I want to get out of this!!!!! 

Third week since submittion of documents is almost over. On Thursday while I was cooking some chicken kiev Miika called and hang up. I know that in our language that means come online I need you. I smsed him saying I'll come in a little while after I finish cooking. But he kept ringing me. I thought he didn't receive my sms. Suddenly it hit me that maybe he has some news. I ran to my computer and yes we got our first news :) Embassy in Baku has emailed his HR in UK and asked for employment confirmation. I started crying from happiness and excitement. That meant that the process began and they are actually working on my docs. When I didn't hear from them for so long I thought they lost my stuff or don't even look at them. We talked all day with Miika even looked at flights, discussed what we'll do when I get there. Of course this doesn't mean that it is a positive answer but it really gave us a hope for good news. We are crossing our fingers for the next week. I can't wait for this sunday to finish and the new week to begin.
On Saturday me and Fidan went to "the best club" in this city named Hezz. (btw hezz means pleasure in azerbaijani language) What can I say about the place. I think the decoration, design is very kitsch at the same time very show off just the way they like it here. The tickets are  usually not less than 50 manats (50 euros) but this time a Swedish DJ Mikael Weermets was supposed to perform there and they were promoting it for free. All you need to do is send a message to the organizer on facebook and your name would be added to the list. It was supposed to start at 10 pm. and we got pretty bored sitting at the bar almost alone. Apparently here if the event starts at 10 everyone considers coming only around 12. At 1 am this Mikael didn't show up yet so we decided to go home. On Sunday morning I read his tweets on his facebook fan page. He says something happened at the border and he has been waiting for his flight back home for 20 hours. I commented saying I'm sorry to whatever happened to him and wondering what policemen did to him at the border. Unfortunately he never replied so I'm really curious what the disgraceful police of this country did again. By the way after 9 pm the public transportation in this city is very rare and you are lucky if you find a bus. My mum explained this with the fact that there is almost no middle class here. All the rich people have their own cars, drivers, that very little middle class (I guesss young people mostly working in oil companies) either have their own cars or take taxis everywhere and the rest (which is a very big percentage) ... hmmm sadly no one cares about what they do...  Also this oil rich country can't afford putting lamp posts and after 6p.m. you walk in absolute darkness hoping a car with lights on will pass by. No one complains, no one cares! You can't really blame them, there is no one, nowhere to complain to.
Anyway let's wait for the next week... 

Today is a happy day! First of all in the morning I checked my blog and discovered a comment!! Someone commented but sadly preferred to be anonymous. Now they left me guessing if this is someone I know or someone I don't know at all. In the second case I'm really happy someone that I don't know read my blog! :))) Anyway my morning started positive continued with a trip to supermarket by Inshaatlcilar Metro station. I bought my favorite Danone blueberry yogurt and some awful tasting dried figs. I was trying to quit eating chocolate and eat dried fruits instead. The ones I bought are horrible compared to the ones in TR. I'm switching to Ritter Sport with marzipan again. 

In the evening I went to Fidan's concert at Philarmonic hall. It was my first time there after its renovation. There was a European looking family sitting just in front of me. When I heard them speak I was almost sure it was Finnish. At the end of the concert I went and asked what language they were speaking and it turned out they were Finnish :)))) I got super excited told them about Miika and they were very surprised that I recognized their language. I really wanted to impress them with some "Mita kuulu? Hyva kitos." but everything I knew except "Mina rakastan sinua" didn't came to my mind at that moment. So I thought its not very appropriate to say "I love you" to the first Finnish people I met in Baku. At the end I couldn't show off to them with my "great" knowledge of their language :) All the way home I had a huge grin on my face thinking how cool it is to meet someone from Finland here and that it's a good sign. Yes yes yes I believe in that! 

The moral of this day is that I don't need much to be happy :) 

10 working days and nothing! today was really boring, and lonely. I watched whole first season of Weeds. I tried to watch the first episode twice and on both times switched it off in the first 15 minutes thinking it's boring. Today I finally managed to finish the first episode and watch the other 9. Guldeniz's friend put them in dropbox for me and the last 10th episode was too big and was left for next time. Now they are in Istanbul so I guess when her friend comes back to France I can kindly ask him to upload the other seasons which I'll finish in one day. In the morning I cried again to my stupid situation living  in this house with other people's rules, eating extra greasy food, gaining so much weight, looking at summer photos thinking how happy we were. There are moments when I think I can't handle it anymore. I guess no one really understands my situation. Everyone is like come on its not that bad. Believe me it is! For a person living alone for the past years it is unbearably hard. I would gladly live with my mother, but to live with azeri family is a real torture. I mean I was never close to them or anything like that, so here I fell on their head suddenly. I understand I can't change them, but still I obey their rules so they must feel a little better than me. I have my own eating, sleeping, going out habits which are completely strange for them. On top of everything this "modem must be turned off when they sleep or when they don't use it" thing gets on my nerves sooooo much. Just when I want to talk to Miika I have to turn it off. pfff like they don't get more than enough radiation sleeping with their expensive blackberries and iphones under their pillows. I almost forgot to say that my aunt said that she won't let me loose weight untill I am in this house. Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun Mehri Ruuuuuuun that's what I thought. Let's all hope that by the end of all this I'm not a 100 kg weighing azeri beauty. I seriously felt horrible when she said that...
I can't just forget about application and live "my life" happily. I get so fed up I can't explain it, so I sit and write this blog just to express my sadness and annoyance. I try to be patient, but I can't... I don't know what I can do  to make time pass quicker. Yes I'm almost done reading Museum of Innocence. Tomorrow I'll start learning French on Rosetta Stone. I promise!!!! Then I'll read Milan Kundera's Laughable Laughs or Reading Lolita in Tehran by Iranian author I forgot her name . Though the last one was kinda boring the first time I started reading it. By the way tomorrow I am going to Fidan's concert in Philarmonic Hall in Baku. Yaaayy! So much happiness!!! I won't be sitting at home tomorrow evening at least for couple of hours :)
Also today Arzu sent me a couple of fun links to keep me busy. She is so sweet! I should check them too! It is nice to know that friends think about you :))))) (At least I finished this post with a happy note, I guess everything is not 100% bad) 

Dear sir/madam reading our huge pile of documents,
Please let us be together... I love Miika with all my heart. How long will this pain last? I think for the first time in my life I felt a real heart ache. I can't bear it anymore...I just want us to be together having a normal, happy life where we can do everyday things together, where we can be a family. me him and his sweet pepper whom I can't wait to meet and squeeze in my arms. She is so adorable and he is so loving and gentle with her. that makes me think that he'll be a great ... :))) in the future (I can imagine Miika's face when he reads this)
I want our dreams to come true... I miss him so much.......

Last night I watched Barfus (Barefoot) a film by Till Schweiger. I shouldn't watch such romantic, crazy European movies in this weird emotional state that I am in. I cried for the last 30 mins of the film. Every time I watch someone kiss, hug or when they show feelings so obvious that they touch your heart I think about my special one so far away from me. I want to be with him so badly... it is so painful to be  far away..Stupid hollywood movies almost never have such effect on me. European films portray feelings so real usually accompanied with beautiful songs...I thought about sending an sms to him but smses would not show the agony that I felt at that time. Anyway he was already tired when we spoke earlier in the evening. only 9 working days passed, maybe next week?? pretty please!
I am reading Orhan Pamuk's Museum of Innocence. I read it in English because the english book was cheaper than turkish :) I'm amazed at his detailed descriptions of emotions, places..I guess that is why he's the Nobel laureate and I'm just a blogger wannabe :) A pity that I didn't get any writing genes from my grandfather... I should definitely read more books!!! I can't wait to go to Istanbul to my favorite Robinson Crusoe bookshop. When I didn't have enough money to buy books I would go there and just look at the shelves and plan what to buy next. The shop was always full of foreigners, intellectual, European looking Turks and the salesman there were different from other shops. They could easily recommend you another book or say their point of view on the book you were looking for.
By the way I'm wondering is Pamuk really going to establish the Museum of Innocence in Istanbul. While reading the book I imagine walking those same neighborhoods of Istanbul he describes. Istanbul is just magnificent and can't wait to go back for a visit.

waiting for a miracle

Waiting for a miracle is the name of the Rus/Ukr forum topic where women wait for an answer a.k.a. miracle. They all write and look for support there... I thought about writing (Hello, I submitted on Feb 7th in Baku, good luck to all of us) and then saw no point in doing so. If there was someone from the same city then it'd made sense to wait together, but unfortunately all those lovely ladies are from Kyiv, St. Petersburg, Moscow or some other parts of Russia. Exactly 10 days have passed, even though it's not the end of the day yet I'm pretty sure we won't get any news today.
How come at night before I fall asleep when I think about what to write next in my blog I get so many ideas. Now that I actually sit down to write I don't know what to write about. I guess next time when I get super duper cool ideas I have to take notes at night :)
I made a cool chocolate cake yesterday. The recipe I found just browsing through youtube videos. An american who has lived in Paris posted this recipe in her video that she called simple french chocolate cake. It turned out good actually but a little bit flat, I was expecting it to be a little more puffy. I guess it was because I forgot to add half cup of sugar after beating the egg whites. The picky kids here loved it and said it is similar to chocolate cakes that they eat in cafés. My aunt said she'd prefer to eat chocolate instead of this flat something. I am quoting her "It is not a chocolate and neither it is a cake". I kinda tried to explain that it is almost a brownie but they didn't really understand me I guess. Oh well...I promise to give the recipe once I have my own kitchen. The first 2-3 months I will be sitting at home with cutie pie Pepper. So while waiting at home for Miika to come home from work I can make all those recipes that I bookmarked while I was here. If I'm not too lazy I'll post the best recipes with my own photos.
I just love cooking. You have to know I'm crazy about cool kitchen utensils. When I was in Istanbul I used to go to IKEA and look at all that kitchenware. I was dreaming that once I start working I will buy pans to bake muffins, cakes and all that stuff. I dream that my kitchen will be always neat and that in our house there will always be homemade food. Don't get me wrong I don't plan to bake 24/7 and get extra calories everyday. I am into healthy cooking! I actually hate fatty, oily food. So I will always try to find healthy recipes. My friend Arzu who also enjoys cooking shared with me a website where recipes from different food blogs are gathered together. It is funny because sometimes I click on a recipe and it turns out that it is in Polish, German, Spanish or some other language. Most of it is in English though. The food on photos looks so yummy! I can't wait to try those recipes :)))
It is such a great feeling when someone eats the food you prepared and compliments it especially when the person is someone very special...<3

A sad valentine's day

By now people who are reading this blog already felt that I am upset almost all the time. Today is no exception...plus it's a valentine's day which makes everything even worse. Today early in the morning my mum send me an sms wishing happy v. day to us and also hopes we will be together very soon! Then I wrote to him thinking he forgot about this day and very soon got the sweetest sms. So I am sad and happy at the same time. Happy because we love each other so much, sad that we are so far away and it is so hard almost impossible to be together. Why on earth two people loving each other so much can't be together? It is so unfair!!!!!!

Today is exactly one week after the submission. The last two days I wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about it for 1-2 hours. Then I wake up late with a head ache. I want an answer so much! Please be it positive! We have so many plans, ideas to do together. They can't ruin it all. But they are the masters of our life at the moment. 

By the way today I checked my blog's view stats. I was so surprised to see I got 89 views. I hope they don't count my own views, otherwise it's a total disappointment. I've got 1 viewer from India. Who is that I wonder? I was pleasantly surprised when Miika told me his parents read my blog. I'll try to pay more attention to grammar and my writing style. But when I think too much about that while writing I usually forget what I wanted to write and lose my inspiration. So I apologize in advance for my bad writing!

Yesterday I started downloading Barfuss (Barefoot) it's a movie by Til Schweiger. It finished downloading just now. I think I'll go to watch it with a full pack of sunflower seeds. The sunflower seeds here are different and taste better than the ones in Turkey. Actually I quit eating them last year when I started healthy cooking/eating lifestyle. But since I came to Baku it is one of my stress relief comfort food along with chocolates, and all sorts of fattening food. Miika jokes that when I come there we'll both start a strict detox diet :))) Actually I'll need it more than him because during the 6 months I spent here I ate so much fat/butter that I haven't eaten probably in the last 7 years of my life in Istanbul. I can't explain to people here that fat food doesn't mean tasty. Here it's a common belief that if you don't put lots of oil in the food you are making that means you are a bad cook. I wonder how can you change this beliefs? One more funny thing is that my aunt (my mother's cousin who is 65) told me yesterday while watching a turkish tv series that it is so bad that women are drinking wine. Before smoking was banned on tv they used to show that women are smoking. Now that they can't show it they started drinking alcohol like men!!! Now tell me how to explain that smoking, drinking is something that everyone can do regardless of gender. It is a personal choice. Women can also drink/smoke just like men. It doesn't matter who you are. I can imagine what she'll feel if I tell her that I've been dreaming of buying a bottle of wine and drinking one glass every evening. I'm not going to shock her though :) Let her stick to her own stereotypes and beliefs.... Today's song will be Breathe by French electronic band Telepopmusik. I discovered this song last year and it was on repeat at least 10 times a day for a long time. My flatmate even game the whole album, but I didn't like all the songs... So ladies and gentlemen I hope you like it as much as I do... 

3 days after...

3 days passed... Nothing of course. no calls, no emails... the worst thing is that it's weekend. So I need to sit back and chill out, they certainly don't work on weekends. I actually went out today to meet with a friend. I am thinking should I write names here or not. I already wrote Miika's so I might as well write others too. It is nothing super secretive anyway. So we met with Fidan, grabbed something to eat and then went to the cinema to watch W.E. directed by Madonna about Prince of Wales Edward and his American love Wallis. Ahh it was beautiful! Even though we missed the first 10 minutes of the movie, it didn't change anything. I just loved the hair styles and dresses. The 1930s style was just fabulous! I really wish I cold try on some of those dresses. Maybe once I'm in England I can dig out something from the vintage shops, unless of course they are super expensive. The actress playing Wallis looked so feminine and fragile with pale skin (it must be a sign of beauty those years, not to be tanned but be almost white pale), red lipstick at all times, and black hair. I fell in love with her style! I just didn't get how on earth the Turkish actor Haluk Bilginer ended up in that movie portraying Muhammed El Fayed. Weird!! After watching W.E. I thought the British royal family has such an interesting history and that I would love to learn more. Fidan told me to watch King's Speech. It is about Edward's brother. I must have that movie either on my computer or in my external HD. I think I took it from a georgian hostel owner in Batumi.

This cold, icy weather started seriously getting on my nerves. It is so slippery everywhere because of the marble pavements in the city center. Instead of showing off with marble they could clean the snow and thick ice. I hope I manage not to fall down till it melts. 

After the movie we went to a turkish pub called Otto for a drink. We ordered red wine inspired by the movie where they were constantly drinking wine. They served us wine in half empty, big, fancy glasses. I'm kinda getting used to that everything is fancy and overpriced here. Oh well it didn't really matter because I really enjoyed this evening. :) 

Yesterday Miika told me not to read forums anymore. I actually spent half of the day searching for azeri women writing about this issue. Sadly I found almost nothing! After reading everything possible on internet I think I'm quitting with forums. I need to find something to do. Maybe French on Rosetta Stone again? Probably I should, and  I also should finish reading the Museum of Innocence. I remember being so sad not to be able to read it while I was busy with thesis last year in January. Of course while writing my thesis I was interested in everything except the actual thesis! I'll write more about my accomplishments in the next days. At the end I'd like to share a song by Amy Winehouse that I discovered couple of days ago. I listen to her sometimes, not a huge fan though.  

waiting day 1

The waiting period officially started today. I was hoping it will be kinda better than just waiting for the day to submit these hugeee pile of paperswork,  looking through our documents, reading our evidences over and over again. It turned out it actually kept me busy and now it really feels soooo s***y. It snowed so much last night and today everywhere is covered with the thick layer of ice with the white snow on top. They say it was -11 this morning, and people keep posting this weather application screenshot from iphone where it says that the real feel is -23!! brrrr coldy cold! I am cold and lonely...lonely and bored... bored and stressed.. Good news I found one more Rus/Ukr forum. I started reading new topics about adaptation to new life and stuff like that. I'm in this state that I just want to sleep all day long and wake up only when the answer is ready. I keep looking at my phone refreshing my email every 5 mins. Slowly going crazy...I wonder how I will feel after a week...

I was supposed to meet with my friend who is waiting for a German spouse visa but it is so cold that we decided to cancel our meeting. I think only she can understand me and I really don't want to explain my feelings to other people who don't know what this feels like. I was hoping to go out with her, to talk and have a drink to relax and forget maybe for a little while.. I can't really drink to forget though, it was more metaphorical :) 

Waiting is painful! 

1 day left...

Ok so only 1 day left till the big day... tomorrow by this time I'll be done..after that the only thing will be left is to wait impatiently for the answer... My friend made me happy by sending an email today! He wished me luck and another friend who got married to a German guy this January sent me a good luck sms. Aahhh that made me feel so happy! They remembered and support me! This cheered me up so much :)
I couldn't fall asleep last night.. I was thinking about Tuesday submitting the application and couldn't hold my tears... I imagine those people there like worst of a kind monsters!!! I am scared of them... seriously I think they only wish bad for the applicants, if you make a silly mistake they won't try to understand you and neglect it but only will reject you.. My attitude towards that place is only because of my last two failures... Miika said they weren't meant to be. When I think it all makes so much sense why I got rejected.. Because that was wrong... I was blind and didn't see it... But this time it is very different, it is meant to be... I know it and I can feel it.... Miika is so nice, supporting me all the time, I am so lucky to have him! I am very emotional and when it comes to this application I start panicking like crazy.. he tries to stay calm most of the time and without his support I would have never been able to make it...
Last night I was also imagining  how happy I will be when I get good news. How I will tell this to my friends who supported me and gave me strength, how I will celebrate it, what presents I will buy for Miika and his family...
I'll write tomorrow how it all went...  

something about ITU

Only 2 days left till the big day!!! If anyone reads this please wish me luck, lots of luck! I really need it...

I think the last time I was so stressed and nervous like this was before submitting and presenting my horrible graduation thesis. I was so scared the professors won't accept it and I will fail. At that time I had doubts ITU will ever end... I remember walking from metro station, passing through FEB building and then going down that little path which lead me to the building of my horrors- Electric Electronical Engineering Faculty of Istanbul Technical University. 

I remember early morning last minute studying in the metro (I could revise for the whole 20-25 mins!! haha like it will really make a big difference :)), frustrations after the exam that I will fail or will be on the edge of passing/failing the course. The best thing about ITU was studying with friends in the library. We would gather all in the library and the person who knows best would try to explain the subject to us. Then some will understand others won't and this explanation process will go on and on. The only courses I truly enjoyed were Humanities and Social Sciences. Too bad you could only take 3 of those. The last one was Introduction to Sociology by a  German teacher named Markus Dressler. I loved reading Max Weber and Durkheim. After taking that course I thought about studying sociology in a graduate school. I really don't know if it'll be possible in the future taking into consideration the financial aspects and also my bachelor's degree in engineering (why?!! why did I study it? :)) 

Looking at the bright side I got really good friends from ITU. Studying there away from  my home and my mother, I realized true friends whom you can rely on are very important in your life. It is generally hard to make good friendships which will last forever. I believe the friends who are very close to me right now have been tested with the school of life. Even though going to university and living away from home can be really frustrating sometimes, it is very important in the adaptation to independent life. So here I am grateful to my mother that  unlike most of the single Azeri mums she didn't want to keep me by her side and send me away from home to study. 

Istanbul: City of my Dreams

Last night I was thinking what my next post is going to be about. The last two years I have noticed so many thoughts built up in me but I can't really express them or write them somewhere. When I was  10 years old I used to write a diary about my schools days, the crushes that I had, or friends whom  I liked or disliked. I continued writing it till I went to study in US as an exchange student. After I came to Istanbul I did a mistake by leaving it at home in Baku. My mother found it and read some of my little secrets that I hid from her. One of them which really made her upset was that I spent a New Years Eve at my friend's house. Instead of sitting at home we went to the seaside with some of her friends. I agree it was stupid to do, but I was just 17 at that time. On one of my trips to Baku I decided to throw that diary away. 

In this blog I don't plan to write anything secret, it is basically just not to die from boredom in Baku and also just to share my feelings. I don't even know if someone will read this or not. Maybe my writing skills are so boring that everyone will start to yawn and leave this place asap. Let's see what it will turn out to be. 

So my second post is going to be about the City of my Dreams Istanbul. I have been living in Istanbul since 2004. My first years were very stressful and full of problems. It caused me a lot of sadness to overcome all that on my own. I remember moving to Istanbul all alone and looking for a place to stay, my university didn't even care to help me with the dormitories. I had moments when I really didn't know what to do, I knew no one and some of the problems seemed unsolvable at that time. I actually hated this city. So hectic, full of traffic, very dirty, people who are rude and trying to rip you off all the time. Time passed, I found an OK dormitory (there are no good ones in Istanbul, unless you study in the private uni), met people, made friends, started enjoying this city and discovering so many things that Istanbul offers. Concerts, museums, exhibitions, little hidden cafés, bars, and different people. I mean in Istanbul there is a variety of people, it is very well mixed. You can see a punk, a woman in a burka, a transvestite all walking down one street.  

Since my unfortunate event on September 6th, 2011 in Istanbul Atatürk Airport and also thanks to lovely bureaucrats  (I'm sending a warm hello to everyone at the Ministry of Labor in TR)  I had to abandon my life in Istanbul. I consider this city my second home, if not the first one. Everything that I owned in the past 7 years was in that city, all my dreams and memories were there. So I had to leave my tiny room in Fulya, my flatmate, all my belongings and come to Baku. That was a shock for me and caused so many tears. But time flies so fast and in a little more than 1 month I'll be able to go to Istanbul again. At first I couldn't even watch Turkish channels on TV, because the moment I saw Istanbul or heard someone speak Turkish I got so upset. Now I think was it the city that I miss or my life there? Probably it is the mixture of both. I miss my freedom! I miss the self service checkouts in Migros, the public transportation, walking from beginning of Istiklal till tunel, hanging out  in Asmalı Mescit, the view of Bosphorus and so much more... At the end I would like to share a cheerful song by They Might be Giants about Istanbul. Enjoy!

My first ever post

Hello everyone! I have been thinking about writing a blog for a really long time. Today I finally got the courage to start it. So many things kept me from writing before. Firstly I thought how will I name my blog, you see I'm not so creative with names. I always get stressed trying to choose nicknames and such. I actually wanted it to be as simple as mehriban.blogspot.com but unfortunately it was already taken.
My second concern was that what language I am gonna write this. Past years I have been really confused with langugages, trying to mix Turkish, English, Russian and Azerbaijani. At last I decided to write in English, my writing is not so good, so please don't judge me too much.
I have so many thoughts in my head lately. I promise to write them all eventually... I'll probably write my everyday thoughts, discoveries like music, cinema or some other cool stuff... so stay tuned!