Wow it's been so long since my last post...So many things happened but I didn't feel like writing...I had a lot of thoughts to share but couldn't make myself to sit down and write..
Today I'm going to my first ever French class... Everyone who knows me just a little bit is aware of of my love to this language, and everything French...films, music, style, food..I remember back in 2008 when I was in Paris  I couldn't believe my eyes that I made it here and I see it all in real...To tell the truth I didn't see everything in detail there, it was more of an express fast tour of Paris in 1 week. I went up to the Eiffel Tower though :P Very beautiful view I must say :) I would really want to go back to Paris with Miika and be able to say some words in French and explore the hidden beauties of Paris...
Ok so back to London... I just love being there and even though I've seen probably only little percentage of this city I'm absolutely in love. Everytime I go to London I can't hide the huge smile on my face... Zahra came from Notthingam and we spent absolutely fantastic day together..She was so nice to give me a Bialetti espresso maker as a present. I must confess I'm a little addicted to coffee.. I have to drink at least 1 cup of coffee with milk every day. I know it's bad but I can't help myself.. I don't drink instant coffee unless I have to... In Istanbul we used to make coffee with my flatmate's vintage Krups coffee maker. I had a big black Starbucks mug that I really miss a lot. I'm hoping he still has it and I can bring it here. Every time I make coffee now I remember my flatmate to whom I couldn't even say proper goodbye when I left Istanbul....anyway the smell of fresh coffee mesmerizes me each time I am making coffee with bialetti....It was different with Zahra than wandering around in London with Miika, we did all the girly things I wanted to do for a long time like checking out some shops in London.. She took me to this royal family's grocery shop Fortnum and Mason.  Another posh groceries store like Harrods, Selfridges...I liked their selection of loose tea.. In England it's a bit hard to find loose tea, it seems like everyone drinks tea in teabags. By the way Twinings here is a huge disappointment. Back in Istanbul Twining tea was a luxury sold for 10-12 TL a box in posh supermarkets like Macrocenter. I was happy to buy it here for normal prices but I find their Earl Grey pretty awful...
On Monday I'm going to visit Zahra in Nottingham. I can't wait :)
I think after trying out all the recipes that I bookmarked while my 6 months in Baku I decided to give up. First of all my reduced sugar/butter whole wheat flour baking sometimes turned out disastrous like the zebra cake. Even though I try to bake healthy I think baking can't be 100% healthy, also after trying my beige trousers that I bought from Zara last summer and seeing how tight they are now I got upset. ah those 6 months of fatty eating in Baku unfortunately did their job :( Last Saturday we bought running shoes, clothes for me so I started running 2.5 miles in the green field close to our house. I get so inspired by looking at all the beautiful posts in food blogs. But usually can't make it as pretty as theirs :(
I met with Tuba a girl who studied with me in ITU and stayed at the same dorm. She took me to a vegetarian restaurant in Covent Garden called Food for Thought. If you are ever in that area I highly recommend to check out that restaurant. Think a big plate full of veggies, yuuuum! I absolutely loved it. She also showed me a Nordic Bakery in Soho and last Saturday I went there with Miika. We tried finnish karjalan piirakkas and blueberry bun with delicious cappucinos.We are definitely going there again. Here is the photo for you.

I think Scandinavian/Finnish style is very simple but at the same time stylish and appealing to me. The down side is that everything from the North comes up with such expensive prices.
Enough of writing for now....I'll come back with more stuff soon!

Today I did a massive killing of all those ladybirds in our flat. Believe it or not I hoovered approximately 20-25 of them. I don't know where they keep appearing from since I closed all the huge holes in our windows. I'm a huge insect hater but I considered ladybirds quite cute. My grandfather even wrote a little story about little Mehriban who loved to play with ladybirds. This was before they attacked our flat and decided to nest here...
I'm going to London alone for the first time to meet with a friend who studied with me in the middle school in Baku. I really need to go and get ready. I'll write more.. soon!

My friend Fidan got her German visa yesterday. That made me so happy to read that on her blog. (I have noticed lately I have been reading news from my friends from their blogs only, ah century of technology...let it be always good news, no bad news!!!)
Pepper and me are best friends at home, but I wouldn't say the same when we go outside. I just don't know what to do when she pulls her leash and  gets excited on the street. I'm learning slowly and I guess she's adjusting to me as well. She also doesn't seem interested in doing her toilet business with me. May be she's shy :))) She's always good with Miika- her real owner. I'm new to her so we both have to get used to each other. I love when she follows me around the flat, sits on my lap and sleeps curled up by my side.
Yesterday I finally made apple crumble dessert. It turned out really good but I must admit it's not so healthy. Arzu told me about it when she was in Baku. I bookmarked the recipe and promised myself to make it once I am with Miika. The recipe is super easy and it took less than 15-20 mins to make it. It is adviced to serve it with vanilla ice cream, custard or cream. I have heard about custard so much from Miika. I asked Miika to drive me to the big Tesco to buy cinnamon and custard yesterday evening. He told me to buy Tesco Finest Fresh Custard. After loosing myself yet again in this huge Tesco I thought I found the right custard. I was wrong and Miika had to go and swap it with the right one. After Migros in Turkey this supermarkets seem sooo huge to me. Actually I was always complaining while living in Turkey that they have such a small variety.
While making the apple crumble I used this recipe http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/applecrumble_2971 and they also explain how to make the crumbles http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/techniques/rubbing_in. Another recipe link from food gawker that Arzu used http://peachesanddonuts.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/lovely-apple-crumble.html As usual the only thing I changed was the amount of butter. 200 grams of butter in that recipe seemed a lot to me. I tried to use less butter and next time I'll reduce the amount of sugar. It is an easy and yummy dessert but kind of fattening. Miika just couldn't get enough and asked for more but I was cruel and didn't let him to finish it all at once hahah :))) Custard is something like vanilla pudding and Turkish muhallebi maybe. It has no name in Russian or Turkish. I loved it with the apple crumble but it adds a fair amount of calories. I am comforting myself that we are going to have long walks on Brighton beach this weekend.

Apple crumble with Tesco Custard

***I'll definitely add less sugar next time. I'm advising the same to everyone who wants to try this recipe***
Yesterday people from Croydon Council came to introduce the new food waste recycling service. We are going to have a kitchen caddy for our food waste which will be going to the new food waste container outside. I was actually surprised they didn't have that before. The lady asked me if I'll be using it or not. That was a weird question for me because of course I'd love to use it after they put it in my kitchen. My long awaited dream of recycling comes to reality here :) Back in Turkey I used to collect all my recyclable garbage and take it to Carrefour. It was a very small recycle can so I used to fill it up with my garbage. I did it just after I came back from Norway, inspired with the recycling system. It didn't last too long though, I kind of got lazy to do that all the time. I asked the lady what to do with the plastic packages and bags. She told me to take them to the nearest supermarket or put them with the rest of the garbage. I believe they will have to introduce the plastic recycling as well as soon as possible. Miika told me that the lady probably thought I am a bit crazy asking questions and getting excited about recycling. I am just trying to be a good resident and think about the future of our planet.
***They brought the kitchen caddy 1 day after they came to speak to me. Such a fast service!

As I wrote yesterday I was planning to try Tuba's recipe for poppy seed and lemon muffins. I made them yesterday while Miika and Pepper was sleeping in front of the TV. I have never baked muffins before so I wasn't sure what to expect. They turned out delicious or as I say yummylicious :) Miika loved them as well. Too bad Pepper can't have any.
I almost completely followed her recipe but instead of adding ½ cup of butter I added only 2 tbl spoons. I guess it's less than a half cup. For my measurements I am using a 30p plastic measuring cup from Tesco. Also instead of 6 lemons I used 5. Be careful while grating the lemon zest, and don't end up with scratched fingers like me.

It should have been a cup of tea not a glass of  read wine in the backgroud :)

close up photo of muffins

It took me a while to figure out that powder sugar (pudra şekeri in Turkish, сахарная пудра in Russian) is called icing sugar here. I bought it but at the end decided not to make icing for my muffins because of extra calories. I'll put icing when I have guests, because I think it looks nicer with it.
For yesterday's dinner I made spaghetti bolognese. I don't know if it's the minced meat that we bought from Tesco or generally meat in England tastes weird I'd even say a bit rubbery. Miika loved my spaghetti though and said meat tastes the same as usual. Also we bought frozen garlic bread from Sainsbury's. I tried to slice it but it turns out it was already sliced. What can I do that in this western world everything is ready made. 

Me, Pepper and ladybirds

Although yesterday was just one week since I am in England it feels much longer actually. During this one week I went to London twice with Miika, went to Waterloo station on my own with Miika's directions, bought Oyster card, went to Croydon a few times on my own, found a Turkish shop (now I know where to find köftelik bulgur and turkish olives that Miika likes so much), went to Altrincham to meet Miika's parents and brothers, went to countryside Edale and had a nice day in Manchester. It feels kind of weird to have this super busy life after 6 months of almost doing nothing. So many new things, so many impressions at the same time ...Supermarkets here are huge and there is a big selection of everything, I don't know which one to choose so that it is relatively cheaper and better. I made oat meal cookies and they turned out very nice, a bit different  from what I used to make in Baku. I think probably it is the baking powder or maybe the gas oven. Today I'll try to make poppy seed lemon muffins from Tuba's blog. http://surrealchef.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/recipe-test-with-behice-unal-lemon.html Thanks to Miika's mum now I have a mixer and muffin pans from Tesco :)) Tuba's recipes look very yummy, I'll try to share my experience next time I write my blog. By the way few minutes ago I registered on Spotify. It looks cool I just don't like that it posts every song that I listen to on my facebook timeline.
I forgot to mention the most important thing..now we have Pepper with us  :) She's peacefully sitting on my lap right now. I guess she liked me from the first day, because the first night she slept on my chest and between me and Miika. She is the cutest dog I have ever seen and I am really happy to have her. The only thing that scares me is her toilet arrangements. I hope we don't have little accidents. When we woke up today I gave her little treat, combed her and now we are happily waiting for Miika to come home to take us out. I just love when she sits on my lap like a cat.
By the way our flat is full of ladybugs...ok... I should have said ladybirds :) british version is actually cuter, instead of calling them bugs they call them birds :) they mostly gather around the lamp or just everywhere in our flat.
Today Fidan's husband is going to an interview at the immigration office in Berlin. Hopefully it'll all go well and she'll be with him soon. Ok enough for today I'll go to make lunch now...

am I really in London?

This is my second day in England and I am feeling really tired but at the same time very excited and happy. I feel like if I sleep I'll miss something. Weird because I am actually at home right now :))
Belavia airlines surprised me with punctuality and they managed not to lose my luggage. The only negative side was the Minsk airport which is even worse than Baku aiport. At least we have free wifi and our airport is not as empty as theirs. When I arrived to Gatwick I was nervous that they'll ask me lots of questions at the passport control or even call Miika. This is the bad side of reading russian forums, a lot of people wrote that people at the UK border are very unfriendly. I waited in a long non EU nationals queue with many Americans, Canadians and Belorussians from my flight. When it was my turn I nervously approached very friedly looking woman and she just asked me when we plan to get married, if this is my first time with this visa and also what is my fiancee's name. I answered them and she stamped my passport. Then I went outside to the baggage area and grabbed my 26 kgs, stuffed to maximum, grey suitcase and went through the "nothing to declare" exit. A police dog sniffed my bag for drugs and then I ran to the exit with a big smile on my face. My dear Miika was standing there with a rose. We hugged, kissed and I felt so many emotions at once. Happy to finally see Miika and confused that it was so easy to pass the border control. On the way home the road was so green and beautiful. Half way to Croydon we stopped at a green hill (I'll add the name later) and it was sunny, warm and smelled very nice. Everything here smells different and the sky is so bright blue and the clouds are pure white. We came home and there was a welcome package waiting for me which included the gift cards from my favorite shops, beautiful roses in a beer glass vase :)) and also a present from Miika's grandma. That was all sooo sweet!!
Then we walked to East Croydon train station and bought me a young person's railway card (good that my 26th bday is in june and I could get this discount card). Train and underground look really complicated here, so many perons, stations, underground lines... I am totally confused. My yesterday's imressions after visiting Camden Town, walking in Oxford Street, Picadilly Circus and Covent Garden are that London is very international, crowded, beautiful and has very complicated public transportation system. Compared to London, Istanbul to me looks teeny tiny right now. Walking in London yesterday made me feel like everything is very surreal and I'm in a movie right now. Miika kept making fun of me that I look like a 5 year old. We stumbled upon Laduree shop in the Covent Garden. I tried Laduree for the first time in Bebek shop in Istanbul a year ago. I remember me, Baturalp, Ozge and Mert bought maybe 6 or 8 macarons with different flavours and shared them. It was quite expensive in Istanbul and here 1 macaron was 1.60£. I bought 1 chocolate and orange flavoured. Miika loved them and I dreamt that one day we'll try them in their Paris shop. I've tried macarons in a lot of places but the ones in Laduree taste just heavenly delicious.
By the way I got a bit sick yesterday. I guess it was because of the icy cold water that I drank with the chinese food in Camden Town. The weather was windy and I was already cold and with that iced water I got sick. I'm sure I'll survive...

My dear readers! Sorry for not writing but most of you already know that I got the fiancee visa. I still can't believe that we did it, that we won. I'm really happy at the same time excited, nervous. I can't really describe what I am feeling. On Sunday at 6 a.m. I'm leaving Baku and going for a new life, new beginning with my dear Miika. After I went to study in Turkey and came here only for short periods I felt like I don't belong here at all, I felt like an "alien". At the same time I was foreign in Turkey. As another blogger says "foreign here, foreign there, foreign everywhere". It is probably my destiny to feel foreign throughout my life. It started when I went to US as an exchange student when I was 15 and continues till now. In Turkey it was sometimes annoying because while doing paperwork, dealing with bureaucracy it was usually a pain. Most of the times they didn't know the procedures for foreign nationals, I felt like I'm the only one without Turkish passport in this 70 million country. Other than that it was easy to become friends, to integrate in Turkish society since the language, the culture, mentality is pretty similar. After few years I almost felt like at home. In fact I feel much more comfortable in Turkey than I am here. I'm nervous about the new life but at the same time really excited. I'm scared of doing, saying something wrong, but I hope it all comes with time. I think it would have been much harder if I was alone, but I have the most caring, loving, supportive fiancee in the whole world my Mikushka :) I know I don't speak like a native speaker but I'm not so bad and I believe after a while my English will improve and it won't be a problem. When I went to US I couldn't really understand people with their strong American accent but by the end of my exchange year my cousin told me I picked up the accent pretty quick. The only real problem I'll face is my name. Unfortunately while choosing a name for me my mum didn't think that I'll have kind of "international" life. I'm not even going to start telling you what Americans used to call me. At the end I decided to introduce myself as Meka (my childhood nickname). Miika taught me an international phonetic alphabet and that is what I need to use while spelling my name. In Turkey they use Turkish city names for spelling. So for those of you unfamiliar with this alphabet my name would be Mike- Echo-Hotel- Romeo- India- Bravo- Alpha-November. By the way my kids are definitely going to have short, easy pronounced names. Since Miika calls me Mehri (I really like it) probably in England I'll introduce myself as Mehri, shorter and easier. Miika's little brother calls me Marziban, like marzipan hahaha :)) I think it's very sweet since I love marzipan :) The good thing about my name is that it has a  meaning which is kind and nice in Persian.
I'm really grateful to the British Embassy in Baku for processing my application in exactly 1 month. I applied on February 7th and my visa is valid from March 7th.
I would like to thank Miika's parents, brothers, his grandparents and godparents for supporting us. It really meant so much to me. Secondly  my great friends who wrote to me, asked about the application, supported me and gave me strength. My dear mother who was worried about me all the time, and helped me as much as she could. I want to thank Fidan who came with me to the embassy, without her this waiting period would have been much harder for me. I wish her to get her German visa asap and join her husband. I know how hard it is to wait and how worried she is. At the end I want to thank my beloved fiancee Miika, without his support, care and patience this could never be done.
I used to think I'm unlucky because I got so many rejections lately. The biggest of them was the work permit rejection for Ford. Now this all proved that whatever happens, happens for a good reason. I'm grateful for everything that happened. I had great plans that I'll work in Ford, rent my own place and  have a cat. But I'd be completely alone and sad. I hope I'll find a job in England, maybe not the best one at first, but after some time I believe I'll do good.
I want to continue writing this blog while I'm in England. I'll write my impressions, thoughts and memories. 

Tomorrow it'll be over....On Friday at 16:38 they send me an email that "my application has been processed". I am not even going to describe what state I was in. Good thing Miika had a day off from work so I called him on skype crying from excitement and also I got disappointed that the message they send wasn't "Your visa is ready" because in Russia and Ukraine that's what they sent in 90% of the cases. The night from Friday to Saturday  I didn't sleep till 7 a.m. I almost watched the sunrise, very "romantic". I couldn't fall asleep because of thoughts in my head. Will I get it and be sooo happy or....how I'll tell good news to Miika, to mum to Miika's family. People tell me you should consider the rejection option too. I don't want to... I'll think about it when it is time...I haven't been so nervous in my life. I just called Miika and he is also very nervous and stressed. When I hear him being so sad I thought I have to show myself strong to him in order to cheer him up. Can you imagine us both being sad ..that'll be crazyy... I'll call him one more time before the modem turn of time.
I asked Fidan to come with me tomorrow. They most likely won't let her in with me to the waiting room, but she can wait downstairs. It'll give me strength to know that there is someone waiting to share my news with. Miika told me to tell them that I need moral support so that they let her in. I'll try of course but I don't think it'll work. I'll pray tonight...but it's already decided so even great powers can't change the decision I guess... I don't even know... Yesterday when I went to the Pantomime Theater which is very close to the embassy and I thought to myself that my passport is there right now, I'm so close to it but at the same time can't reach it.
I don't want too much do I? I want us to be together, to be happy and to have a family...

A week ago one of my friends's father passed away and I learned about it by reading her blog. A week earlier she told me in her email that he's ill but was recovering. The news of his death really made me sad even though I didn't know him personally. I hesitated to call her at that moment to give my condolences. I think in a situation like this whatever you say won't make it better or easier for that person. I know from my own experience when I lost my grandparents. I got the courage to call her only by the end of the day. She was in the airport on her way here with her husband to bury her father in his village in the North-Western Azerbaijan. I suddenly remembered how my mother used to tell me that people from that part of the country are more progressive and literate, probably due to the fact that it is close to Georgia. I know in the west there are very different traditions for the funerals but here in the east you need to go to that person's house and give your condolences. I have never done this before in my life so I wasn't sure what to say in general and what to talk about. Even though I think that most of the traditions here have to be "updated", I kind of justify this one. It lets the grieving person to be busy with the people coming to her house and doesn't let her to cry all day long and grieve constantly. I think it kinda eases the pain. My friend and her bother who came later told their childhood memories about their father, how cheerful and fun person he was, how he played on musical instruments without knowing any notes. It all went well and I felt that even though I couldn't really help my friend, at least I was there to share her pain. Today she wrote a new post about her father. After reading I thought that it is so nice that she has such fond memories of her father. He was a great man and she must feel proud to have a father like him, to learn from him. 

Today is an international women's day. I guess no one celebrates this day except post soviet union countries. While living in Turkey usually only communists kind of remembered this day. It doesn't really mean anything for me. It is a tradition here so I must say  Happy Women's Day to all the female readers of this blog.
I'm doing good today, finally finished reading Museum of Innocence. I think I will read russian Boris Akunin's book next. I guess I'm just having mood swings, one day I'm really sad but the next day the sun is shining (actually it snowed last night)  and I'm OK. I'm trying to change my "philosophy of waiting" by thinking only positive things and planning for future. I'm really scared of rejection but when I sit and cry that "what I'll do if I get rejection" just tired me and I'm sure all my readers too. So from now on no sulky posts only happy posts. After all I have a fiance whom I love dearly and who loves me very much. What can be better than that?
I'd like to share one of my favorite songs by Pink Martini- Tuca Tuca. I'm just in love with their singer who can almost sing in every language. I love the song although don't understand a word of it and the video is super cool, again shot in Italy.... We must go there with Miika! (after visiting Finland of course :))

  

...every passing day brings me a little bit closer to my beloved one....is my new motto...ehhh nothing today as usual... I sat in front of my computer almost all day watching Weeds second season, occasionally having some sad moments with myself. I cried so much that at the end I couldn't go to Fidan's concert. Besides it was sooo windy (really cold wind) + president of Georgia came to Baku today so most of the central roads were closed. So I thought better to stay at home instead of going out and getting totally annoyed by being stuck somewhere. I probably look like a grandma sometimes moaning and complaining at everything here. Sorry but I just can't stand silent to the absurdities here.
Today is 29th day since application, it would have been 1 month actually if  february wasn't 28 days this year. It is an important day- March 6th because it has been exactly 6 months since I left Istanbul and I can go to Turkey again since today :)))
To tell the truth it doesn't really cheer me up so much...They have my passport so I'm totally stuck here...
I downloaded too artsy films in last 2 days. I recently learnt that Russian speakers mostly call them art house films. I really liked this expression. One of them is "The Skin I live in" by Almodovar and the other one is French Canadian "Heartbeats". I wanted to watch them for a long time but after downloading them I lost my interest in watching them with english subtitles. My problem is that I can't concentrate on anything right now. Can you believe that I still haven't finished Museum of innocence. I start thinking about something else after reading 2 pages.
***just read in russian forum that some lady applied in Moscow in february 3rd and still waiting. That may sound mean but it makes me happy to know that I'm not the only one waiting for a one month. When people who applied at the same time with me or after me start getting news than it'll be a whole different story... a pretty sad one too! 

I love facebook because it lets me discover so many cool things. Today I discovered a german/swiss band named BOY. The girls look and sound a bit like Canadian singer Feist. I loved their simple video to this cheerful song Little Number. So I immediately thought I need to share this with my readers. It looks like the video was shot in Italy. It is just beautiful! I was actually in a bad mood again this morning. No emails as usual... and today at around 12 p..m when Arzu called me from an unknown number I got so excited and thought it's embassy. One of this days when I get a call from an unknown number I'll probably get a heart attack. Because my heart beats so fast when I answer the phone it seems like it'll jump from my chest...
Dear god and all the other great powers please let me get good news soon before I get totally insane.

Baku

I woke up today and as usual first thing I did was to check my gmail and then read the newsfeed on facebook. One of my friends posted this video and wrote a comment that I thought is such a true description for this video. Unfortunately that's exactly what I think at the moment walking in this city

Where are you? This video clearly shows that at the moment Baku has no spirit, no identity. It is just a collection of various pre-packaged architectural solutions chosen from a catalog by the ruling family. Exactly. when I am walking on the streets, seeing ugly purple London like Taxis, horrendous glass pyramids, kitsch black and gold fountains with little golden angels, skyscrapers that dominate and destroy the amphitheater of the city, this is exactly what I ask myself: "Where the f*** am I? Is this my city? Baku?"

I've been thinking about changing my blog's name but I can't think of anything cool, unique and most importantly available in blogspot. Most of the names that I tried to choose were already taken. I guess I'll have to stick with this name. It looks like a pub's name to me like Adam's, John's :) Oh well...
Thanks to my friend Güldeniz I became famous yesterday. She really liked my post about Istanbul and decided to share it on her facebook page. So today my blog stats are very international... Yaaay to that!
One more week is over and we've got no news from them. Since yesterday I became kind of apathetic to this waiting process. I think it is because I lost all my hope for march, also energy to worry, to suffer, to panic. According to my prediction the earliest I'll get any news from them will be in April. There won't be any presents for me for the International Women's day (March 8) or for Novruz holiday (March 21). So on Novruz I'll be stuffing myself with pakhlavas, shekerburas and shorgogals (some of traditional azeri sweet and savory treats) all alone.
I bought ticket for a play tomorrow in the Pantomime theater in Baku. Fidan advised me to go. I don't remember the last time I went to watch a play, probably it was our school theater group in ITU. Thanks to her I'm having some cultural entertainment in Baku. I went to her second concert in Philarmonic Hall yesterday. I enjoyed this concert more than the previous one. She played one of Vagif Mustafazade's masterpieces with the string orchestra. V. Mustafazade was a genius and he's the reason I'm sometimes proud to be from this country. For the people reading my blog and don't know him I advice to check the youtube videos for his music. He was famous for mixing jazz with traditional azeri folk music- mugham. His music is so beautiful and relaxing. Personally I prefer his music to his daughter's Aziza Mustafazade who is maybe even more famous than her father. March by Vagif Mustafazade....

Have you ever felt like you will explode, blow up  from waiting? That's exactly how I feel right now. I lost all my hope to get news anytime soon before Novruz holiday (20-21st of March) and guess what they'll be closed from 20th to 23rd of March. How can they torture people like this? On the other hand I can't really blame them because they have no idea what situation I am in right now. I can't believe how fast time passed...it is almost 6 months that I am here living in this ... I lost the count of days... who cares? I guess its 17th working day...On Thursday when we got news we got too excited I knew it doesn't mean anything...
Sometimes I think to myself that I want to go and live there and look at human relations. I want to see friendships there. I sometimes think that there is nothing like a real friendship at all. It is so hard to find a sincere, real, honest person to call your friend. It feels truly lonely. Lately I've been thinking that when a friend lies once you can't really believe him again. Even if it happened only once you always think suspiciously of everything they say. I hope in my new life there will be less people who disappoint me and more descent, honest ones..I have great hopes of meeting them there!
I've been advised to watch Sherlock Holmes tv Series by BBC. I downloaded the first season which is only 3 episodes. I watched the first one yesterday at night and really loved it. It is about a modern Sherlock in 21st century London. I'll definitely watch them with Miika on our future cozy sofa :)
Also I found another great food blog. It has such great photos and writing and recipes  Actually cooking is a great stress relief. I tried cooking here but my relatives interfered  so much that I decided to stop.
I'm crying again at this hopeless, helpless situation. I want to get out of this!!!!! 

Third week since submittion of documents is almost over. On Thursday while I was cooking some chicken kiev Miika called and hang up. I know that in our language that means come online I need you. I smsed him saying I'll come in a little while after I finish cooking. But he kept ringing me. I thought he didn't receive my sms. Suddenly it hit me that maybe he has some news. I ran to my computer and yes we got our first news :) Embassy in Baku has emailed his HR in UK and asked for employment confirmation. I started crying from happiness and excitement. That meant that the process began and they are actually working on my docs. When I didn't hear from them for so long I thought they lost my stuff or don't even look at them. We talked all day with Miika even looked at flights, discussed what we'll do when I get there. Of course this doesn't mean that it is a positive answer but it really gave us a hope for good news. We are crossing our fingers for the next week. I can't wait for this sunday to finish and the new week to begin.
On Saturday me and Fidan went to "the best club" in this city named Hezz. (btw hezz means pleasure in azerbaijani language) What can I say about the place. I think the decoration, design is very kitsch at the same time very show off just the way they like it here. The tickets are  usually not less than 50 manats (50 euros) but this time a Swedish DJ Mikael Weermets was supposed to perform there and they were promoting it for free. All you need to do is send a message to the organizer on facebook and your name would be added to the list. It was supposed to start at 10 pm. and we got pretty bored sitting at the bar almost alone. Apparently here if the event starts at 10 everyone considers coming only around 12. At 1 am this Mikael didn't show up yet so we decided to go home. On Sunday morning I read his tweets on his facebook fan page. He says something happened at the border and he has been waiting for his flight back home for 20 hours. I commented saying I'm sorry to whatever happened to him and wondering what policemen did to him at the border. Unfortunately he never replied so I'm really curious what the disgraceful police of this country did again. By the way after 9 pm the public transportation in this city is very rare and you are lucky if you find a bus. My mum explained this with the fact that there is almost no middle class here. All the rich people have their own cars, drivers, that very little middle class (I guesss young people mostly working in oil companies) either have their own cars or take taxis everywhere and the rest (which is a very big percentage) ... hmmm sadly no one cares about what they do...  Also this oil rich country can't afford putting lamp posts and after 6p.m. you walk in absolute darkness hoping a car with lights on will pass by. No one complains, no one cares! You can't really blame them, there is no one, nowhere to complain to.
Anyway let's wait for the next week... 

Today is a happy day! First of all in the morning I checked my blog and discovered a comment!! Someone commented but sadly preferred to be anonymous. Now they left me guessing if this is someone I know or someone I don't know at all. In the second case I'm really happy someone that I don't know read my blog! :))) Anyway my morning started positive continued with a trip to supermarket by Inshaatlcilar Metro station. I bought my favorite Danone blueberry yogurt and some awful tasting dried figs. I was trying to quit eating chocolate and eat dried fruits instead. The ones I bought are horrible compared to the ones in TR. I'm switching to Ritter Sport with marzipan again. 

In the evening I went to Fidan's concert at Philarmonic hall. It was my first time there after its renovation. There was a European looking family sitting just in front of me. When I heard them speak I was almost sure it was Finnish. At the end of the concert I went and asked what language they were speaking and it turned out they were Finnish :)))) I got super excited told them about Miika and they were very surprised that I recognized their language. I really wanted to impress them with some "Mita kuulu? Hyva kitos." but everything I knew except "Mina rakastan sinua" didn't came to my mind at that moment. So I thought its not very appropriate to say "I love you" to the first Finnish people I met in Baku. At the end I couldn't show off to them with my "great" knowledge of their language :) All the way home I had a huge grin on my face thinking how cool it is to meet someone from Finland here and that it's a good sign. Yes yes yes I believe in that! 

The moral of this day is that I don't need much to be happy :) 

10 working days and nothing! today was really boring, and lonely. I watched whole first season of Weeds. I tried to watch the first episode twice and on both times switched it off in the first 15 minutes thinking it's boring. Today I finally managed to finish the first episode and watch the other 9. Guldeniz's friend put them in dropbox for me and the last 10th episode was too big and was left for next time. Now they are in Istanbul so I guess when her friend comes back to France I can kindly ask him to upload the other seasons which I'll finish in one day. In the morning I cried again to my stupid situation living  in this house with other people's rules, eating extra greasy food, gaining so much weight, looking at summer photos thinking how happy we were. There are moments when I think I can't handle it anymore. I guess no one really understands my situation. Everyone is like come on its not that bad. Believe me it is! For a person living alone for the past years it is unbearably hard. I would gladly live with my mother, but to live with azeri family is a real torture. I mean I was never close to them or anything like that, so here I fell on their head suddenly. I understand I can't change them, but still I obey their rules so they must feel a little better than me. I have my own eating, sleeping, going out habits which are completely strange for them. On top of everything this "modem must be turned off when they sleep or when they don't use it" thing gets on my nerves sooooo much. Just when I want to talk to Miika I have to turn it off. pfff like they don't get more than enough radiation sleeping with their expensive blackberries and iphones under their pillows. I almost forgot to say that my aunt said that she won't let me loose weight untill I am in this house. Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun Mehri Ruuuuuuun that's what I thought. Let's all hope that by the end of all this I'm not a 100 kg weighing azeri beauty. I seriously felt horrible when she said that...
I can't just forget about application and live "my life" happily. I get so fed up I can't explain it, so I sit and write this blog just to express my sadness and annoyance. I try to be patient, but I can't... I don't know what I can do  to make time pass quicker. Yes I'm almost done reading Museum of Innocence. Tomorrow I'll start learning French on Rosetta Stone. I promise!!!! Then I'll read Milan Kundera's Laughable Laughs or Reading Lolita in Tehran by Iranian author I forgot her name . Though the last one was kinda boring the first time I started reading it. By the way tomorrow I am going to Fidan's concert in Philarmonic Hall in Baku. Yaaayy! So much happiness!!! I won't be sitting at home tomorrow evening at least for couple of hours :)
Also today Arzu sent me a couple of fun links to keep me busy. She is so sweet! I should check them too! It is nice to know that friends think about you :))))) (At least I finished this post with a happy note, I guess everything is not 100% bad) 

Dear sir/madam reading our huge pile of documents,
Please let us be together... I love Miika with all my heart. How long will this pain last? I think for the first time in my life I felt a real heart ache. I can't bear it anymore...I just want us to be together having a normal, happy life where we can do everyday things together, where we can be a family. me him and his sweet pepper whom I can't wait to meet and squeeze in my arms. She is so adorable and he is so loving and gentle with her. that makes me think that he'll be a great ... :))) in the future (I can imagine Miika's face when he reads this)
I want our dreams to come true... I miss him so much.......

Last night I watched Barfus (Barefoot) a film by Till Schweiger. I shouldn't watch such romantic, crazy European movies in this weird emotional state that I am in. I cried for the last 30 mins of the film. Every time I watch someone kiss, hug or when they show feelings so obvious that they touch your heart I think about my special one so far away from me. I want to be with him so badly... it is so painful to be  far away..Stupid hollywood movies almost never have such effect on me. European films portray feelings so real usually accompanied with beautiful songs...I thought about sending an sms to him but smses would not show the agony that I felt at that time. Anyway he was already tired when we spoke earlier in the evening. only 9 working days passed, maybe next week?? pretty please!
I am reading Orhan Pamuk's Museum of Innocence. I read it in English because the english book was cheaper than turkish :) I'm amazed at his detailed descriptions of emotions, places..I guess that is why he's the Nobel laureate and I'm just a blogger wannabe :) A pity that I didn't get any writing genes from my grandfather... I should definitely read more books!!! I can't wait to go to Istanbul to my favorite Robinson Crusoe bookshop. When I didn't have enough money to buy books I would go there and just look at the shelves and plan what to buy next. The shop was always full of foreigners, intellectual, European looking Turks and the salesman there were different from other shops. They could easily recommend you another book or say their point of view on the book you were looking for.
By the way I'm wondering is Pamuk really going to establish the Museum of Innocence in Istanbul. While reading the book I imagine walking those same neighborhoods of Istanbul he describes. Istanbul is just magnificent and can't wait to go back for a visit.

waiting for a miracle

Waiting for a miracle is the name of the Rus/Ukr forum topic where women wait for an answer a.k.a. miracle. They all write and look for support there... I thought about writing (Hello, I submitted on Feb 7th in Baku, good luck to all of us) and then saw no point in doing so. If there was someone from the same city then it'd made sense to wait together, but unfortunately all those lovely ladies are from Kyiv, St. Petersburg, Moscow or some other parts of Russia. Exactly 10 days have passed, even though it's not the end of the day yet I'm pretty sure we won't get any news today.
How come at night before I fall asleep when I think about what to write next in my blog I get so many ideas. Now that I actually sit down to write I don't know what to write about. I guess next time when I get super duper cool ideas I have to take notes at night :)
I made a cool chocolate cake yesterday. The recipe I found just browsing through youtube videos. An american who has lived in Paris posted this recipe in her video that she called simple french chocolate cake. It turned out good actually but a little bit flat, I was expecting it to be a little more puffy. I guess it was because I forgot to add half cup of sugar after beating the egg whites. The picky kids here loved it and said it is similar to chocolate cakes that they eat in cafés. My aunt said she'd prefer to eat chocolate instead of this flat something. I am quoting her "It is not a chocolate and neither it is a cake". I kinda tried to explain that it is almost a brownie but they didn't really understand me I guess. Oh well...I promise to give the recipe once I have my own kitchen. The first 2-3 months I will be sitting at home with cutie pie Pepper. So while waiting at home for Miika to come home from work I can make all those recipes that I bookmarked while I was here. If I'm not too lazy I'll post the best recipes with my own photos.
I just love cooking. You have to know I'm crazy about cool kitchen utensils. When I was in Istanbul I used to go to IKEA and look at all that kitchenware. I was dreaming that once I start working I will buy pans to bake muffins, cakes and all that stuff. I dream that my kitchen will be always neat and that in our house there will always be homemade food. Don't get me wrong I don't plan to bake 24/7 and get extra calories everyday. I am into healthy cooking! I actually hate fatty, oily food. So I will always try to find healthy recipes. My friend Arzu who also enjoys cooking shared with me a website where recipes from different food blogs are gathered together. It is funny because sometimes I click on a recipe and it turns out that it is in Polish, German, Spanish or some other language. Most of it is in English though. The food on photos looks so yummy! I can't wait to try those recipes :)))
It is such a great feeling when someone eats the food you prepared and compliments it especially when the person is someone very special...<3

A sad valentine's day

By now people who are reading this blog already felt that I am upset almost all the time. Today is no exception...plus it's a valentine's day which makes everything even worse. Today early in the morning my mum send me an sms wishing happy v. day to us and also hopes we will be together very soon! Then I wrote to him thinking he forgot about this day and very soon got the sweetest sms. So I am sad and happy at the same time. Happy because we love each other so much, sad that we are so far away and it is so hard almost impossible to be together. Why on earth two people loving each other so much can't be together? It is so unfair!!!!!!

Today is exactly one week after the submission. The last two days I wake up in the middle of the night and start thinking about it for 1-2 hours. Then I wake up late with a head ache. I want an answer so much! Please be it positive! We have so many plans, ideas to do together. They can't ruin it all. But they are the masters of our life at the moment. 

By the way today I checked my blog's view stats. I was so surprised to see I got 89 views. I hope they don't count my own views, otherwise it's a total disappointment. I've got 1 viewer from India. Who is that I wonder? I was pleasantly surprised when Miika told me his parents read my blog. I'll try to pay more attention to grammar and my writing style. But when I think too much about that while writing I usually forget what I wanted to write and lose my inspiration. So I apologize in advance for my bad writing!

Yesterday I started downloading Barfuss (Barefoot) it's a movie by Til Schweiger. It finished downloading just now. I think I'll go to watch it with a full pack of sunflower seeds. The sunflower seeds here are different and taste better than the ones in Turkey. Actually I quit eating them last year when I started healthy cooking/eating lifestyle. But since I came to Baku it is one of my stress relief comfort food along with chocolates, and all sorts of fattening food. Miika jokes that when I come there we'll both start a strict detox diet :))) Actually I'll need it more than him because during the 6 months I spent here I ate so much fat/butter that I haven't eaten probably in the last 7 years of my life in Istanbul. I can't explain to people here that fat food doesn't mean tasty. Here it's a common belief that if you don't put lots of oil in the food you are making that means you are a bad cook. I wonder how can you change this beliefs? One more funny thing is that my aunt (my mother's cousin who is 65) told me yesterday while watching a turkish tv series that it is so bad that women are drinking wine. Before smoking was banned on tv they used to show that women are smoking. Now that they can't show it they started drinking alcohol like men!!! Now tell me how to explain that smoking, drinking is something that everyone can do regardless of gender. It is a personal choice. Women can also drink/smoke just like men. It doesn't matter who you are. I can imagine what she'll feel if I tell her that I've been dreaming of buying a bottle of wine and drinking one glass every evening. I'm not going to shock her though :) Let her stick to her own stereotypes and beliefs.... Today's song will be Breathe by French electronic band Telepopmusik. I discovered this song last year and it was on repeat at least 10 times a day for a long time. My flatmate even game the whole album, but I didn't like all the songs... So ladies and gentlemen I hope you like it as much as I do... 

3 days after...

3 days passed... Nothing of course. no calls, no emails... the worst thing is that it's weekend. So I need to sit back and chill out, they certainly don't work on weekends. I actually went out today to meet with a friend. I am thinking should I write names here or not. I already wrote Miika's so I might as well write others too. It is nothing super secretive anyway. So we met with Fidan, grabbed something to eat and then went to the cinema to watch W.E. directed by Madonna about Prince of Wales Edward and his American love Wallis. Ahh it was beautiful! Even though we missed the first 10 minutes of the movie, it didn't change anything. I just loved the hair styles and dresses. The 1930s style was just fabulous! I really wish I cold try on some of those dresses. Maybe once I'm in England I can dig out something from the vintage shops, unless of course they are super expensive. The actress playing Wallis looked so feminine and fragile with pale skin (it must be a sign of beauty those years, not to be tanned but be almost white pale), red lipstick at all times, and black hair. I fell in love with her style! I just didn't get how on earth the Turkish actor Haluk Bilginer ended up in that movie portraying Muhammed El Fayed. Weird!! After watching W.E. I thought the British royal family has such an interesting history and that I would love to learn more. Fidan told me to watch King's Speech. It is about Edward's brother. I must have that movie either on my computer or in my external HD. I think I took it from a georgian hostel owner in Batumi.

This cold, icy weather started seriously getting on my nerves. It is so slippery everywhere because of the marble pavements in the city center. Instead of showing off with marble they could clean the snow and thick ice. I hope I manage not to fall down till it melts. 

After the movie we went to a turkish pub called Otto for a drink. We ordered red wine inspired by the movie where they were constantly drinking wine. They served us wine in half empty, big, fancy glasses. I'm kinda getting used to that everything is fancy and overpriced here. Oh well it didn't really matter because I really enjoyed this evening. :) 

Yesterday Miika told me not to read forums anymore. I actually spent half of the day searching for azeri women writing about this issue. Sadly I found almost nothing! After reading everything possible on internet I think I'm quitting with forums. I need to find something to do. Maybe French on Rosetta Stone again? Probably I should, and  I also should finish reading the Museum of Innocence. I remember being so sad not to be able to read it while I was busy with thesis last year in January. Of course while writing my thesis I was interested in everything except the actual thesis! I'll write more about my accomplishments in the next days. At the end I'd like to share a song by Amy Winehouse that I discovered couple of days ago. I listen to her sometimes, not a huge fan though.  

waiting day 1

The waiting period officially started today. I was hoping it will be kinda better than just waiting for the day to submit these hugeee pile of paperswork,  looking through our documents, reading our evidences over and over again. It turned out it actually kept me busy and now it really feels soooo s***y. It snowed so much last night and today everywhere is covered with the thick layer of ice with the white snow on top. They say it was -11 this morning, and people keep posting this weather application screenshot from iphone where it says that the real feel is -23!! brrrr coldy cold! I am cold and lonely...lonely and bored... bored and stressed.. Good news I found one more Rus/Ukr forum. I started reading new topics about adaptation to new life and stuff like that. I'm in this state that I just want to sleep all day long and wake up only when the answer is ready. I keep looking at my phone refreshing my email every 5 mins. Slowly going crazy...I wonder how I will feel after a week...

I was supposed to meet with my friend who is waiting for a German spouse visa but it is so cold that we decided to cancel our meeting. I think only she can understand me and I really don't want to explain my feelings to other people who don't know what this feels like. I was hoping to go out with her, to talk and have a drink to relax and forget maybe for a little while.. I can't really drink to forget though, it was more metaphorical :) 

Waiting is painful! 

1 day left...

Ok so only 1 day left till the big day... tomorrow by this time I'll be done..after that the only thing will be left is to wait impatiently for the answer... My friend made me happy by sending an email today! He wished me luck and another friend who got married to a German guy this January sent me a good luck sms. Aahhh that made me feel so happy! They remembered and support me! This cheered me up so much :)
I couldn't fall asleep last night.. I was thinking about Tuesday submitting the application and couldn't hold my tears... I imagine those people there like worst of a kind monsters!!! I am scared of them... seriously I think they only wish bad for the applicants, if you make a silly mistake they won't try to understand you and neglect it but only will reject you.. My attitude towards that place is only because of my last two failures... Miika said they weren't meant to be. When I think it all makes so much sense why I got rejected.. Because that was wrong... I was blind and didn't see it... But this time it is very different, it is meant to be... I know it and I can feel it.... Miika is so nice, supporting me all the time, I am so lucky to have him! I am very emotional and when it comes to this application I start panicking like crazy.. he tries to stay calm most of the time and without his support I would have never been able to make it...
Last night I was also imagining  how happy I will be when I get good news. How I will tell this to my friends who supported me and gave me strength, how I will celebrate it, what presents I will buy for Miika and his family...
I'll write tomorrow how it all went...  

something about ITU

Only 2 days left till the big day!!! If anyone reads this please wish me luck, lots of luck! I really need it...

I think the last time I was so stressed and nervous like this was before submitting and presenting my horrible graduation thesis. I was so scared the professors won't accept it and I will fail. At that time I had doubts ITU will ever end... I remember walking from metro station, passing through FEB building and then going down that little path which lead me to the building of my horrors- Electric Electronical Engineering Faculty of Istanbul Technical University. 

I remember early morning last minute studying in the metro (I could revise for the whole 20-25 mins!! haha like it will really make a big difference :)), frustrations after the exam that I will fail or will be on the edge of passing/failing the course. The best thing about ITU was studying with friends in the library. We would gather all in the library and the person who knows best would try to explain the subject to us. Then some will understand others won't and this explanation process will go on and on. The only courses I truly enjoyed were Humanities and Social Sciences. Too bad you could only take 3 of those. The last one was Introduction to Sociology by a  German teacher named Markus Dressler. I loved reading Max Weber and Durkheim. After taking that course I thought about studying sociology in a graduate school. I really don't know if it'll be possible in the future taking into consideration the financial aspects and also my bachelor's degree in engineering (why?!! why did I study it? :)) 

Looking at the bright side I got really good friends from ITU. Studying there away from  my home and my mother, I realized true friends whom you can rely on are very important in your life. It is generally hard to make good friendships which will last forever. I believe the friends who are very close to me right now have been tested with the school of life. Even though going to university and living away from home can be really frustrating sometimes, it is very important in the adaptation to independent life. So here I am grateful to my mother that  unlike most of the single Azeri mums she didn't want to keep me by her side and send me away from home to study. 

Istanbul: City of my Dreams

Last night I was thinking what my next post is going to be about. The last two years I have noticed so many thoughts built up in me but I can't really express them or write them somewhere. When I was  10 years old I used to write a diary about my schools days, the crushes that I had, or friends whom  I liked or disliked. I continued writing it till I went to study in US as an exchange student. After I came to Istanbul I did a mistake by leaving it at home in Baku. My mother found it and read some of my little secrets that I hid from her. One of them which really made her upset was that I spent a New Years Eve at my friend's house. Instead of sitting at home we went to the seaside with some of her friends. I agree it was stupid to do, but I was just 17 at that time. On one of my trips to Baku I decided to throw that diary away. 

In this blog I don't plan to write anything secret, it is basically just not to die from boredom in Baku and also just to share my feelings. I don't even know if someone will read this or not. Maybe my writing skills are so boring that everyone will start to yawn and leave this place asap. Let's see what it will turn out to be. 

So my second post is going to be about the City of my Dreams Istanbul. I have been living in Istanbul since 2004. My first years were very stressful and full of problems. It caused me a lot of sadness to overcome all that on my own. I remember moving to Istanbul all alone and looking for a place to stay, my university didn't even care to help me with the dormitories. I had moments when I really didn't know what to do, I knew no one and some of the problems seemed unsolvable at that time. I actually hated this city. So hectic, full of traffic, very dirty, people who are rude and trying to rip you off all the time. Time passed, I found an OK dormitory (there are no good ones in Istanbul, unless you study in the private uni), met people, made friends, started enjoying this city and discovering so many things that Istanbul offers. Concerts, museums, exhibitions, little hidden cafés, bars, and different people. I mean in Istanbul there is a variety of people, it is very well mixed. You can see a punk, a woman in a burka, a transvestite all walking down one street.  

Since my unfortunate event on September 6th, 2011 in Istanbul Atatürk Airport and also thanks to lovely bureaucrats  (I'm sending a warm hello to everyone at the Ministry of Labor in TR)  I had to abandon my life in Istanbul. I consider this city my second home, if not the first one. Everything that I owned in the past 7 years was in that city, all my dreams and memories were there. So I had to leave my tiny room in Fulya, my flatmate, all my belongings and come to Baku. That was a shock for me and caused so many tears. But time flies so fast and in a little more than 1 month I'll be able to go to Istanbul again. At first I couldn't even watch Turkish channels on TV, because the moment I saw Istanbul or heard someone speak Turkish I got so upset. Now I think was it the city that I miss or my life there? Probably it is the mixture of both. I miss my freedom! I miss the self service checkouts in Migros, the public transportation, walking from beginning of Istiklal till tunel, hanging out  in Asmalı Mescit, the view of Bosphorus and so much more... At the end I would like to share a cheerful song by They Might be Giants about Istanbul. Enjoy!

My first ever post

Hello everyone! I have been thinking about writing a blog for a really long time. Today I finally got the courage to start it. So many things kept me from writing before. Firstly I thought how will I name my blog, you see I'm not so creative with names. I always get stressed trying to choose nicknames and such. I actually wanted it to be as simple as mehriban.blogspot.com but unfortunately it was already taken.
My second concern was that what language I am gonna write this. Past years I have been really confused with langugages, trying to mix Turkish, English, Russian and Azerbaijani. At last I decided to write in English, my writing is not so good, so please don't judge me too much.
I have so many thoughts in my head lately. I promise to write them all eventually... I'll probably write my everyday thoughts, discoveries like music, cinema or some other cool stuff... so stay tuned!